Learning from Tobi

This should be my last post about Tobi. I was going to write her whole life story and all the memorable things that she has done. But it's too much writing. And I think I am making peace with losing her. I don't want to keep feeling sad by dragging it on. So I will write a little more about what she symbolized to me, and also a little about her death. As I had mentioned before, divorce has been a very hurtful thing in my life. I can't count all the divorces that have happened in my family on both hands. At the same time, I have always had a strong love and value for family. So when my family fell apart, I became reckless. I was not a partier, but rather a bit of a dare devil, at least for a girl. I think my parents thought I might have gone a little crazy. I know they worried about me, as well as everyone else. I would meet any challenge that arose. I jumped off 50 ft cliffs, surfed 12 foot waves on a longboard (it's only impressive because I wasn't a very good surfer), traveled through Nicaragua by myself and gave away all my money while doing so, traveled to Israel (again with no money), and quit college, vowing to never go back. I guess you could say I was testing God, yelling at him mostly. But I think he liked it actually, because no matter what I was doing I knew I was somehow safe. So when Tobi came along, it was like a big hand came down right in front of me and a loud thundering voice yelled, "stop!" So I did. Through caring for her, I learned how to reconcile and balance sensitivity with bravery. I was a tall, strong, water polo player that could bodyslam any of my brothers at the drop of a hat. But at the same time I was kind, gentle, and sensitive. Growing up I learned to believe that sensitivity was weakness, or contradictory to my more powerful characteristics. But Tobi was both and it was so beautiful. As I got to know her, in many ways I got to know myself. I learned to embrace all of me, rather than what others thought I should be. She also made me responsible. I had to learn how to take care of a very dependent little creature, which meant that I had to learn to take care of myself. So I went back to college and finished my degree. I learned interdependence, instead of independence as a way of life. This softened me up to the idea of marriage. It was so healing to be needed the way that Tobi needed me. I could go on and on about Tobi. But most of all, Tobi represented a promise. That day when I was crying with my good friend Yami, I believe that God heard me. I believe that God gave me Tobi as a promise that one day I would have a little family of my own. As Tobi grew older, she slowed down a great deal. We thought getting a second dog would be good for her. I believe it was, but because Miles was the most hyperactive, obnoxious, and out of control puppy that I have ever met, I think this also made Tobi grow old faster. Then when we moved to a house that had 67 steps leading up to it, and I had a baby, Tobi didn't get out nearly as much. Sometimes I have a lot of regret about how Tobi lived her last couple of years. But at the same time I think that if we did get her out more, she might have over exerted herself and died even sooner. So it was what it was. On Friday, Pearl and I took both dogs down to the park for a bit of a play. Tobi was so happy to be out. She jumped on her little balance board and people laughed and took pictures of her. Then we all began walking down a little hill. When I looked back, Tobi was lying down, breathing slowly and peacefully. I called her but she didn't respond. So I walked over to her. A neighbor came over and we knelt down and pet her. I knew that if her breathing didn't pick up, she wasn't going to make it. About a minute later, she stopped breathing...and she was gone. So it was very tragic, but at the same time beautiful. I felt like God was saying that he had fulfilled his promise to me and now I needed to move forward and embrace it. I have my beautiful little family. Now God wanted his dog back. I put Pearl in the backpack and carried Tobi up the hill. That evening we buried her above the house on a little hill looking out on the ocean. We planted a little succulent garden over her grave. I wanted it to look a little out of place, because thats how Tobi seemed most of the time. We have lived in New Zealand for four years and I have resisted calling it home because it is so far away. But I have known that this home for a long time. And now I really know, because Tobi will never leave this place. So it was good, but sad. I don't think I would have wanted her to go any other way. I just wasn't ready.